F*ck You Friday

Dear "Friend",

Thanks so much for inviting me to have coffee with you today. I cannot stand your presence really love spending time with you ever since you made fun of dining room wall decor, broke my cake stand, made comments about the gray in my hair, etc, etc, etc.

Did you not notice that I was obsessively screening my phone wasn't returning very many of your calls?

Alas, I am a dumbass, and met you for coffee anyway.

I could tell you were pissed when I threw away my half-eaten hashbrowns from BK but your son obviously did not want them and YOU are not supposed to have them. I refuse to fund your food issues. Could you tell I was pissed when you kept walking away to shop whilst leaving me to make sure your toddler didn't run away/kill himself/knock over every display in the store? Obviously not.

Let's get something clear, from the hours of 8:30am to 2:00pm, my uterus is at lunch. I did not birth your child and I will not be responsible for him either. From here on out there will be no more coffees as I am clearly just your glorified nanny.

Signed, your-friend-who-you-use-to-love-spending-time-with-but-no-longer-does-because-all-you-do-is-bitch-about-life-and-gossip-about-people.